just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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