Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
