If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you had me at cake vodka
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
