you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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