Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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