the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
