we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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