yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
