I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
