There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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