CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
