ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
as a side note pls kill me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
