i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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