i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My ass is underappreciated
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
