Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
