Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
