So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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