How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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