put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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