that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
