I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
