Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
