i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
