That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize
