I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
