i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
