420 ftw
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
