When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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