I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
