In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
