The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
