her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
