the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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