I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
