So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
