please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
