I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
