Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
