my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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