I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
