Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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