So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
