We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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