They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
