i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I need to stop coming to work sober
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
