You work out of a Hotel?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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