dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
