She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
