Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
nutella sex= disaster
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
