You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
