i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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