dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
