peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
