four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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