I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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