Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
