Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
