tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
