Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
