my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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