Where is the hickey?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
