May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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