Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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