I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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