Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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