then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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