So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
