Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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