I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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