I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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