please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
