bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
