I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize