a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
