My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
