Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize