How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
