I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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