Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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