i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Randomize
