I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You pole danced in your parka.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
