so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
